Casey's Big Laugh

Casey's Big Laugh from Jeremy Klavens on Vimeo.

Let Me Apologize Now

I am going to try to make your life as much like the 70s as possible.
If mom would let me, I'd get shag carpet and wood paneling. Don't get me wrong, I love technology and I'll teach you all about it, but there was just something about the 70s.
I mean, c'mon, "Welcome Back, Kotter?" Awesome.
ELO? Super cool.
Grease? Yes, please!

What can I say, it was a cool time.

Eating Habits

It used to be that we thought three meals a day was the right way to eat. Lately though, people have been saying that eating 5 or 6 "mini" meals is better for you. I don't know which is correct. In the beginning, I am pretty sure you'll be eating like a billion mini meals due the fact that your stomach is about the size of a jawbreaker. But, as a traditionalist, I feel that we'll probably adhere to the three meals system. "Honey, come downstairs, Second Small Dinner is ready," just doesn't have the same homey ring to it.

Either way, don't eat too much McDonalds.

Ok. You're a boy. Don't tell your mother.

So, we found out last week that you are going to be a boy. Ok. So, in this case, I feel it's necessary to tell you now that there will be lots of times I say to you, "Okay... but don't tell your mother." So like, don't tell her okay? You see, Mom doesn't like things like spitting and wrestling and guns. And when it comes down to it, neither do I, but I do understand that oftentimes, boys do. And I can relate to the little boy in me who used to like those things, too. But Mom just doesn't understand those things, so let's keep boogers and spitting between us. She loves farts though. So that's fair game.

Also, if you happen to be into Star Wars, that'd be cool. Mom won't know what we're talking about when we refer to Beggar's Canyon back home or doing the Kessle run in less than 12 parsecs, but she will try to impress you by saying, "TK421, why aren't you at your post?" DO NOT LET HER FOOL YOU. This is the only Star Wars thing she knows. And if you are so inclined, we can delve a bit deeper into geekdom with Star Trek, Battlestar Gallactica, and Vampires...

But don't tell your mother.

Music

John, Paul, George, and Ringo.
Pretty much everything stems from those four dudes.

Dad, You're So Mean!

You and I can be friends later on. But for the next 18 years, I'm gonna be the dad, and you're gonna be the kid.

You might not like me sometimes, but trust me, it's better that way. Too many parents try to be friends with their kids and they just wind up being lousy parents.

You can thank me later. Over a beer. When we're friends.

Fun

When you get a bit older you will want to do things that are fun. Many times these fun things are also dangerous and stupid. I know that you are going to do these things. The trick, though, is to be smart about being dumb. Know your limits and use your head.

And always call if you're going to be late or if you need a ride.

Grammar

Let's get a few things straight:
1. "Your" is possessive, as in "This is your Elmo doll, not mine."
2. "You're" is a contraction, as in "You're welcome!" It really just means "you are."

If you ever write "Your welcome" I am going to ground you for, like, a month. I have to be firm about this.

Trickier, but still required, is to understand the basic usage of "me" and "I." And most important is to know that you never add an apostrophe to "I" as in "Come on over to Mandy and I's house."

Again, if I hear this, prepare yourself for a whole lot of no TV.

Sports

You are a Red Sox fan.

Showering

When you become a teenager you may be tempted to think that there is something cool about being filthy.

The thing is, there isn't. There is nothing further from the truth. It is super cool to shower and smell good. And other people will be attracted to you if you do so.

An exception to this is if you are lazing around by yourself all day. Then, by all means, wallow in your stink.

Drugs

This is a tricky one. Your mother and I disagree a bit, so we'll need the next few years to figure out our stance. We'll come back to this one.

Why Math is Important

I know. It's boring. Who cares, right? Stupid fractions!
But the thing is, you will use math often. You'll use it to figure out the tip at a restaurant (by the time you're picking up the tab, it'll probably be 75%, or, in California, double the tax), you'll use it in cooking, traveling, shopping, etc.

Do you have to be a math wizard? A veritable physicist? No. But you should know that 1/3 is bigger than 1/4.

School Dances

If you see someone not dancing, it would be a nice thing if you ask them to dance. Everyone wants to be included.

Friendship

There's a difference between having friends and being popular. The difference is this: Being popular isn't important.

Having good friends is so much more important. Popularity fades. And once you are out of high school, pretty much nobody cares if you are, or ever were, popular.

Good friends can last a lifetime.

Money

Remind me to teach you a little bit about money.

It's good to know how to save smartly and spend wisely. It's good to do something that earns a good paycheck. You should know what things cost. But it's also good to not get too caught up with money. It's more important to be happy.

Nothing in Your Butt

The thing to remember is this: don't put anything up your butt. Also, don't put anything up anybody else's butt. I understand that later in life, if you're into some weird stuff, that's your choice. Fine. You can maybe bend the rule a little. But you just never want to be the person, or be with the person, in the emergency room with a remote control stuck up there. And nobody actually admits, "I stuck a remote control up my butt." No, you have say, "I sat on it by accident." And everyone knows you're lying.

Be Nice

Okay, I want you to really listen to this one. This is one of the most important things I am going to teach you.

Be Nice.

Don't listen to people who tell you that nice guys finish last, or that it's a dog-eat-dog world, or any of that crap. The thing that makes the world better is when people are nice to each other, when people are mean is when the world gets worse.

So, be nice to other people. Say "please" and "thank you" and remember to hold the door for people behind you.